E04 - Incoming Emotional Rollercoaster

I’m just a girl that loves her dog. That's all lol.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doobie dooby dooty. Woo Hello and welcome to the Yeah No Yeah podcast. It's me, your mate, CJ, your mate CJ. I'm here. I made it. It's 7 11 PM on Sunday night. And I didn't know if I was gonna actually record one of these today. It was in the back of my mind. But I avoided it all yesterday, and here I am. Here I am. I hope everybody's had a good week. I had a mixed week. Um some really good stuff in there, having some laughs at the gym, fucking having some laughs at work. Yeah, it was pretty nice in terms of like connection this week. It was really good. Got stuck in, did the mahy. Yeah. Nah it was it was okay, but the downs. The good's gotta take the good with the bad. The bad with the good. Um I've injured my knee or I'm injuring my knee at the gym. I think the ego lifting the ego lifting on the leg press isn't working out for me. So I was trying to find what my weight weight is. Like I haven't gone to the gym. Fuck, have I said this already? Anyways, yeah. I'm trying to find out what my ideal weight is to be pushing and on leg day and lifting on arm day. And I think I've gone a bit too far on the fucking leg press. And same with the hack squat. Hack squat is hard. The hack squat is fucking hard, and I saw it on this is the thing with trying to do it myself, um, and watching people on Instagram and all that sort of stuff. I've seen girls doing the hack squat and guys doing the hack squat on Insta and I thought fuck that looks real mean. I might try that. Well, I can't do fuck all on it, like zero weight, because it's pretty heavy just by itself. And I was on there the other day and my neck knee was clicking like crazy, and it does that on the leg press too. So I'm gonna have to sub those exercises out for a little. I've been stretching like crazy because I'm also like, oh my gosh, if I can't work out, and legs are gonna be three of those days. If I can't work out, oh actually it'll only be four four days this week. Um, because I've got the vets on Tuesday. But yeah, if I can't work out, what's my mental health gonna look like? I don't want to go back into the hole, man. Fuck So yeah, I'm gonna take it real easy on my knee. I'm gonna sub the leg press out, I've decided, and the hack squat. Leg press is gonna be Um squats and the hack squat is going to be squats. I th I think it said some sort of varia variation, but yeah, some sort of beginner exercise because yeah, shit. I've irritated me knee. Gosh darn it. I'm hoping that I don't have to go to physio or anything shit, and I just don't want to be told that I can't work out at this point because I've been feeling so good like mental health-wise since going to the gym. Anyways, it'll be what it'll be. And so yeah, that takes me to my next thing, Tuesday. The vet's my dog. I've got a dog who has hip dysplasia and arthritis. My second dog to have my second dog ever, and my second dog to have that. Um my last dog, um, I think he was like two when he got diagnosed, and then he tore both of his crochet ligaments, and yeah, that was the end of that. And this time round my dog, um, I put him on the brands uh shot, and he's been on that for the last couple of years or something. He was on heaps of medication before that, and um this injection was only like twenty bucks more expensive, so I thought fuck it, I'll just do the injection. And he's been doing really well, but last winter it started lasting like only half the time. Um So yeah, we're we're at that now and he was not a happy chappy was not a happy chappy this week, um like real sore, real clingy, just whining like in a different wine, because he whines a lot, but yeah, this was like a different wine, and he's just wanted to be frickin' lying on top of me. He's taken to like lying on my bed and on I've got like a little couch for him. Um taken to like lying on those on the pillows, like so his hips are like elevated. I don't know, uh that must like relieve the joint somehow, maybe. But yeah, he's been doing that, so I took him to the beach today. I took him to the beach today of we wanted to go to this spot and um so yeah, chucked him in my vehicle, we went out there and um went down onto the beach and fucking hell I straight up thought the bro was gonna fucking put himself down out in the ocean. There was like this little river thing, and he likes chasing birds, and when he's chasing something, his recall is fucking non-existent, like he's in full prey drive, full send, just tunnel vision, probably can't hear anything apart from yeah, just he is just fucking yeah, tunnel vision. And uh so he did that, and then he'd like come back a little bit, and I'm like screaming at him trying to fucking get him back. At one point he literally ran so far because these birds were fucking yeah on the other side of this thing. Yeah, fucking, yeah, birds on either side of this fucking river, and um at one point in time he went too far and literally started getting swept out to fucking see, and I'm like yelling at him, and I had this moment of like, this is it. Like he is gonna fucking like there's nothing I can do. I was ages away, like a good few hundred meters away, um, and slides, socks and slides, for fuck's sakes. Um, yeah, and I was like, this is it, he's gonna just fucking die a tragic death getting pulled out to sea and drowning. He's gonna do it himself.

unknown 7:31

So fuck.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Oh my gosh. Yeah, I was not impressed with that, but I talked to Chat GPT, my mate ChatGPT afterwards, because I've been going through like, do I have to have a look at like putting him down, you know, with I don't want him to suffer or be in pain. Um he's had a good few years longer than what I thought, like the first year before we started the brand uh, um, he was yeah, he was not very good not looking very good, and I thought it was probably gonna be the end there, but the the shot worked and yeah, so fuck. Yeah, I've been talking to ChatGPT and like do I do it, do I not? And um, yeah, just before he took off on the beach, like I I was watching him and he was like tippy toeing on one of his legs um and I thought to myself, fuck, I think this is it. Like, I think I think I'm at the point now we're only we are we even in winter? January, feb February's the end of summer, isn't it? March, April, May, June, July, August, September. No. So are we in winter? Oh fuck to find out. But yeah. Either we're only at the start or we're yeah, I think we're at the start of winter. Must be. So it's gonna get a fuckload colder. I just don't want him to suffer, man. Like, that's the sucky thing about dogs is they can't like talk to you and tell you if they're sore or not. I know my last dog, like, he would man, he would fuck, he was a little staffy cross. And um well, big and staff cross. But he used to like bash his head on things all the time, and you've barely ever heard him yelp. And you like you know that that shit's gotta fucking hurt, but he wouldn't. Like he wouldn't make a noise, and that's kind of what I'm concerned about with my current dog, is that he can't talk to me, and he was that fucking miserable this week that like Yeah. I just gotta just gotta read it and part of me doesn't want to, like that's my buddy. I'm kind of dissociated from it at the moment. I was fucking bawling my eyes out on the way back. Oh, that's right. I digress. Yeah, I was talking to ChatGPT about it, and um, I was like, I've just wanted it to be a nice walk. Like if it was his last walk, then I wanted it to be really nice, but I guess like, yeah, it's true Bobby fashion that like yeah, he would go off and chase the birds and fucking not come back and nearly get swept out to sea and die. Um, fuck sakes. And there was a lady with her dog walking when I managed to finally recall him and we started walking back to my vehicle. And she was walking along and I was like, oh my god, the fucking embarrassment that she just witnessed that joke. Oh fuck's sakes. But yeah, Chat GPT said like it was true Bobby, true Bobby style, and he probably was thinking like this is the best fucking day ever that he gets to chase the birds and smell the ocean and nibble on a fucking dead fish carcass. Oh my gosh. So yeah, I've got that going on in the background at the moment. Um yeah, so that's on Tuesday. It's just for a shot, but I am going to probably call the vets tomorrow, which is Monday, and just have a little chat and just see if we can I can get him looked at properly, because usually I just go in there and do the sh do the jab because he doesn't like it much, and I ha I've I've got to the point where I muzzle him, because he bit a few vets. So I muzzle him, just put it push him into the corner so he can't move or wriggle around. He has his jab and then gets the muzzle off and has a treat and he's happy as Larry. I just want to make it as quick and as untraumatising as possible. But um, yeah, I think it's time that he needs to get looked at properly and them to to let me know what they think. But it's just it's what literally I'm just utilising my recovery stuff with this. Like it's one day at a time. Um there's been a little bit of preemptive guilt, like bawling my eyes out on the way back in the van. Um couple of times I've like envisioned what life would be without him. Um and I don't know why I do that. Like, is it to like prepare myself or like it's gonna feel like shit, but I know that I'll get through it too. Like I've it's not my first animal that I've put down. Um, but it is sad. And my next door neighbour was actually saying that he's been worried about his cat all day today too, like his cat's not fucking eating, and isn't it weird like how stuff like that happens? Like Yeah. Just the what do you call it? Like the similarities, the kill coincidences. And yeah, I was saying to him, like, it's um it's hard I I think it's hard for like people like him and it's hard for fucking anybody that loves their animals, I think. But for like people like him and I, like we live alone, so that's our company, that's our pals and yeah. Yeah, so I don't know. Anyways, that's in the universe's hands, and that's Tuesday. Tomorrow I'll give them a call, let them know where we're at, and that's Tuesday, and it will be what it will be. Either I'll be here next week balling balling on the mic, or maybe a little depresso, or yeah, fucking fuck's sakes, like I d need my knee not to be fucked at the moment, like if that's about to happen, I really need my knee not to be fucked. Hey. Um I think I've got a lot of support now though, too, which is really nice, and everybody fucking knows how much I love my dog. Um, it's not a secret that I'm a big dog lover. Um, every dog that I come across at work, too, like I love that. That I'm I work outside and like out in public and so I see lots of dogs and can give them pets. Yeah, that just makes my absolute life. Yeah. Pets are pretty special, eh? They just don't la like, yeah. Why can't they last longer? I don't know. I don't know. Anyways, part of me kind of believes in like next li like reincarnation sort of stuff. And um yeah. So that kind of keeps me hopeful, I guess, or takes a bit of the guilt away, I think. Because yeah Maybe it's just the maybe it's the time for his next journey. Like maybe he'll be the next frickin' Martin Luther King or something, and I'm just fucking holding him back. What else has been happening? I've not been watching the news. What a switch up, hey, what a switch-up in subjects. Oh yeah, might have to fucking put my dog down. I've not been watching the news though. Yeah, nah, fuck the fuck the news though, honestly. Like a couple of things have started coming up on my Twitter and all that sort of stuff, and one of the guys was talking about I can't remember some piece, something or other happening, or Trump or whatever. I was just I'm at the point, I'm like, I can't be fucked with it all. I am just one person and I man, it made me so depressed. Like it made me so anxious and fearful and fucking depressed when I watched the news. And straight up, that was the first time that I was kind of getting into the or the second time that I was kind of getting into the news, and every time I fucking listen to the news or start listening to like stock stuff or whatever, I d I spin out of control. I cannot handle it. Cause it I'm I don't know. I cannot fucking handle it. I really can't. I think about people too much, I think. Like, um and the implications and the repercussions of s of things that like this that happen, like all the people that are fucking dying in the war, like it's not just a war to me, it's not just a word, like it's yeah, there's some real severe consequences happening for people and Trump's kind of like front and centre and everyone's talking about him, but like what about all the fucking people that die in the war? Like, what about all the people that were getting fucking slaughtered in Iran before before e even any of this war shit broke out? Like they were Yeah rev revolting like not as in disgusting revolting, like they were revolting, like the r a revolution was fucking starting and then Trump fucking got in there. Oh my gosh, why am I talking about that? Yeah, maybe this dog stuff's uh uh um affecting me a bit more than I think. Yeah, I feel pretty okay though, like I feel not like fucking out of control. I think because I've known it's coming for like a few years. Now, like maybe it's that like a sick family member or something like that and at the beginning I was real upset about it. I thought I was gonna have to put him down. I've had thought I've had to gonna have to put him down fucking so many times and he's just held on and I'm so grateful. Like I was thinking about that today too, on my van ride home. Like I adopted him when I was with my ex and I wanted this L-shaped couch and I wanted a dog, and it was just after COVID, and there were like no puppies around, no dogs, barely any dogs anyways, around for adoption because everyone had decided they wanted a dog and COVID lockdown and Yeah, and then my dog came up and and I went and saw him and that was it. That was it pretty much. He was like squeaking around the whole place, real restless and um Yeah, that gets me a bit choked up actually. He was real restless and just I just saw like a being in distress and I wanted to help. Um Yeah. And I didn't want to judge him just on like what what he was doing in that moment, and took him for a walk, took him outside for a walk, and he jumped at this car that was going like a handy gay down this country road. And I remember my ex looking at me like just fucking he could have been shooting lasers out of his eyes. He was I could tell he was like not impressed. He was like, what the actual fuck no? Um and I sat him in the back of the truck and I had some treats and I taught him how to shake hands, and that was pretty much all I needed to know, really, that he was trainable, that he was teachable, and he was, and he still doesn't reckle He still doesn't winkle, he still squeaks, but you know what, like life wouldn't have been the same without him, and I straight up probably like there is a high chance that I wouldn't be here without him too. Like it sounds real overdramatic, but like in the other episodes that I've been talking about, like the mental health stuff and the suicidal ideation, um, yeah, there have been times that I have been so fucking low, and the only thing that keeps me holding on is the fact that I can't do that to my dog. Like, I can't he'd been through multiple homes before I got him and been like in foster homes in COVID too, and I just don't have that in me. Like, I haven't had that in me to just re-home him. Um Yeah. So I'm real grateful for him. There have been so many times that he's like licked the tears off my face and he's been there through like my recovery. And at the start I remember when I I would start to cry and he'd be like, What the fuck's going on? And now like I cry and he's like, Ah, it's just mum. Like, it's just mum. So he's yeah. He's given me something to wake up for in the morning on the days that I literally could have just fucking rotted in bed all day. At least I've got out, got up, and fed him. And days were fucking not even days, like weeks, where I would struggle to leave the house or go to the supermarket and I'm just fucking living off like anything in my pantry. And um yeah, he'd need food. So then I go to the supermarket because he'd need food, but that was like the only reason why. Um otherwise I would have made do with what I did, what I had. Um yeah. And he's just been fuck man. That couch That couch I actually sold in Todonga when I came back down. Um yeah, like that couch and my dog got me through some fucking real terrible times. And yeah. I don't know what it's gonna look like, but I think it it's gonna be okay. Like I'm gonna be okay. I feel sad. I feel real sad that it might be that time. It might not be, but um I don't think it's far away. Like if um if it's not this vet visit Yeah, I don't know how many how many we've got this winter to be honest. Um But yeah, I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay. I've got some things to look forward to. Um But yeah, everything happens for a reason, I guess. And I've got so many beautiful people that I know today to lean on and um yeah. I guess like they become my um my reason why to stay now. Like my dog held that and now I've created something or had that had that realization a little while ago of like fuck. Um actually, I don't know, maybe it was like a year ago or maybe I don't know. I don't know exactly when it was, but I remember having the realisation of like fuck if I've only got my dog to live for I need to do some work here. And I have I've done that Yeah I have done that fuck so yeah anyways I thought it was gonna be potentially next week when I cried on this podcast, but hey, here we are. It's happened, we've got the first the first one out of the way, and uh I'm just glad that it hasn't happened when anybody's listening to it. Oh, apart from my mum, my mum will listen to this. I'm really sorry, mum, that you had to listen to that, but um I'm okay. And uh yeah. Just fucking keep on keeping on, man. Keep on keeping on. I think the PMS isn't too far off. So um, so yeah, with dropping hormones. Man, I've got this app on my phone called Moody. It's life-changing, eh? If I start feeling a little fucked up, I can just check that app. I'm like, oh yeah, that tracks. That makes so much sense because it is fucking honestly, men. I don't want to say men have it easy, but in terms of like hormonal roller coaster shit, they've got it fucking easy. Yeah. Sometimes it's at some points in time and throughout any given month, I will feel like I'm on drugs and I'm lit it's literally just fucking hormones kicking in or tapering off, or yeah. It's out of it. But I'm learning how to work with it too. Learning how to learning how to work with the old hormones. Oh dear. Anyways, fuck wow. There's an episode. There is an episode. Time for me now to edit this, and um yeah, that's all for tonight. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for being here, and I will you will, you'll hear me next time. Peace out, homies, bye.