E08 - The Cucumber Hot House

The reality of a high protein diet at the gym and the shart tale of the cucumber hot house.

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Rat ba ba ba ba Hey Hello and welcome to the Ye Na Ye podcast. As always it's me, your old mate CJ from New Zealand here to spin another fucking yarn. Um hope you have all had a good week. I've had a fucking good week this week. It's had some it's had had its pros and cons, but all in all, it was a fucking good week, you know. Um nothing really like a couple of things happened but na no mages. Like no mages. It's been nice. I feel good. I think I only made it to the gym twice, like I did legs twice this week, but fucking all good, eh? All good. These things happen. A bit of regression and I'm still turning up and that's the that's the fucking main thing. Like I haven't stopped completely going. Which in the past that's been the case. That's been the fucking case. And I'm left paying for a gym membership that I don't use, so hell yeah to still fucking turn it up. Um Yeah, what else has happened? I'll tell you what, just before I went to turn on my Xbox and fucking here is another random like symbol is the Xbox symbol, but they've tried fucking with it. Like they've changed it. It looks like the Xbox symbol now drinks mother energy drinks. Uh, sorry, monster energy drinks, and I don't fucking like it. I don't like it. I wasn't a fan when Spotify changed the logo for their whatever fucking anniversary it was. It looked like trash. I'm not too sure if Yep, it still looks like that. For some reason everything's like going shiny. And actually, yeah, everything's fucking going shiny because even my iPhone, the last update that it did, it did that glass thing and everything's changing again, folks. I reckon yeah, even Facebook's decided that when you open Facebook on my phone, it's got the fucking Facebook logo, but in like a World Cup, like is it the football world world fucking whatever it is? I don't follow that shit. Um no judgment if you do, no judgment, no judgment. But um, yeah, I don't like change like that. I've become a real creature of habit and um yeah, I d I feel like something like that that I've known and just I don't like it. It throws me and that like Spotify symbol for a moment there would be like a split second where I didn't want to open fucking Spotify just based on the fact that the logo's changed. I don't know what's fucking wrong with me, but I'm sure I'm sure there's at least one person out there in the world that feels the same. It really is first world problems, isn't it? Like holy shit. First world fucking luxury problems. Luxury problems. Um Yeah, I've made a friend I've made a friend here and it was real cool. Um caught up for coffee and went on some some little drives yesterday. That was rad, saw a bird, an endemic bird that I've never seen before here, and got some cool rocks. I thought I found like three bits of obsidian, but upon further inspection, I'm pretty sure they're just real large pieces of sea glass. But that's alright too. Fucking I'm all good with that. Sea glass is pretty pretty rad. Um Yeah, fuck. What else has been happening with the case? I've got n Oh actually I do. I was gonna say I've got nothing to fucking tell ya. No funny stories that happened this week, but yeah, there was this uh fucking only making it to the gym twice this week and uh one of the days there was no music and um like there's always fucking music in the gym. Why there was no music this day, I don't fucking know. Just a setup for the universe, I think, for me, um, from the universe. And um I was on the fucking treadmill, had my headphones in as I do, just absolutely blasting the sound. And um I'm on a fucking high protein diet, okay? I'm on a high protein diet at the moment, and so you get a little gassy. You get a fucking little gassy, and um I don't know what it is about the gym that just starts I could probably not fart all day and I get to the gym and just things start fucking I don't know, I don't know. My fucking tummy just starts doing things and uh I'm on the treadmill walking away and I'm like oh fuck oh no and I'm like I'm clenching I'm fucking clenching for my life Well yeah a fucking couple a couple slipped past the guard My instant reaction was to like grab my headphones and take them out of my ears to see if I could hear the fart that had been and gone um fuck's sakes So anyway it was the tiniest fart I'm hoping that nobody heard it but yeah fuck my life there was no music and like a couple of people smiled at me the couple of people smiled at me later on like in when yeah when I was doing my workout and I was like oh fuck they fucking hurt me fart then it was probably all in my head or maybe it fucking wasn't but you know what if you hear me farting anywhere I don't care if it's at the gym, no music, fucking I'm outside, at work, like wherever, I don't we're not fucking talking about it, okay? I'm not fucking talking about it. Oh my gosh, we're just gonna as Phil would say, can we just get past it? Okay, can we just fucking get past it? But yeah, the the treadmills are like set up so you're looking out the window, but you can like see the reflection of the whole gym in these windows, and there was this guy on a bike, on a bike behind me, and I like looked up in fear, and like I don't know what he was fucking up to. Maybe he was looking at my booty as I was on the thing, but like he just fucking like looked so scared as well, and started like looking left and right and didn't know where to look, and so I'm panicking as well. Like, I'm thinking in my head, fuck did he just hear me fart? And he's probably thinking, fuck did she just see me looking in her ass? Like that was hectic, but um, yeah, fucking hell. And then I was on a Zoom meeting as well. I wish that was the only thing, like it seems to be a week of people hearing things that I don't want them to hear. And um, yeah, I was on a Zoom meeting and uh there was a space of silence and Bobby has this thing where he'll fucking just go ham. Like dogs are fucking gross man, and so he was cleaning his cleaning cleaning a part of him and uh on my fucking bed too, which no thanks. I'm not about that. Um yeah, he knows the rules and he still fucking breaks them, but you know, I still love him, but yeah, the there was this moment of silence and I was like Bob Bobby, leave your butthole alone. And then I looked back at the phone and I'm like, oh fuck, I'm I'm unmuted and so then I muted myself again and oh my gosh. Luckily that was a group of friends, like thank fuck for that, but oh my gosh. Yeah, just a week of fuck, fuck sakes. If only could mute farts, eh, like that'd be real handy if you just had a mute button when you were in public. As long as they weren't like smelly farts. I was thinking about that at like the gym, like maybe we should normalise farting at the gym, and then I'm like, nah.

unknown 9:32

Nah.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

There's a lot of blokes in that gym that nah. We're all on probably high protein diets that would not be okay. You'd need a huge extractor fan if that was the case. But anyway, that could be like a cool invention, eh? Like if somebody invented something to make your oh yeah. If you had like uh something that you could eat every single day, or fucking even like let's bump it up to like a fucking yearly dose, that doesn't sound healthy, but the less you have to take it the better. But if you just can take it like, yeah, once a day seems reasonable and it makes your fart smell like I don't fucking know, like strawberries or roses or something. That'd be fuck fuck. I reckon I'm onto something there. I reckon I'm onto something there. And if you get rich off that idea, you know, holler at your girl, don't forget about me. Um Hell yeah. How fucking yeah Imagine that you're just like it'll be in like fucking next to the Metamusle or whatever, and you just got like a row of like all these different flavoured fart capsules that make like a hot fart. Yeah, peaches, yeah, yeah, fucking yeah, hell yeah, I'd get behind that. If they didn't if farts didn't smell bad, I'd probably be okay with like yeah, with farting in public. Would I? Why are why are farts so socially unaccepted? Is it just because of the smell? Is it just because they smell sometimes? Or like why are they funny? Why are farts always funny? I don't know if always is actually the correct terminology, because I was thinking about that the other day. Actually, the uh I don't know why all my humour seem seems on this podcast seems to revolve around either my dog trying to kill himself or farts anyway. Or my dog farting, you know, like fuck. Yeah, but I thought about that and I thought farts in my opinion, farts aren't always funny. Like, if anybody listening to this has ever trusted a fart and it's and it's one you shouldn't have trusted, you'll know exactly what I'm meaning. Um yeah. I'm not gonna tell that story right now, because I don't know if we're good enough friends for that yet. But um yeah, there's there's yeah. You can't fucking don't trust a fate. Don't trust a fart. If you're in dangerous territory and like me, if the night before you had been drinking heavily and uh fuck yeah Oh fuck, I guess I'm part way through telling this story. I was working in a cucumber hothouse. I was working in a fucking cucumber hothouse. Oh no, here we go. Um That's probably gonna be the title of this episode, cu the cucumber hot house. Um working in a cucumber hot house and um and I think I wasn't long out of rehab and some mates of my mum's had given me like hook they worked in this cucumber hot house for this older couple and um they hooked me up with some work which was real mean because idle hands fucking something there's that saying about idle hands and something about the devil or something, so pretty much stay busy, otherwise you're gonna relapse. It was the underlying message. So yeah, they hooked me up with some work and this fucking night before I'd um I'd run out of my f my what I was drinking, and so I ended up drinking what was on offer there, and uh it was this green hot beer by this guy who like started up this brewery, this fucking bootleg brewery, and um yeah, so I fucking go to work hung over as and uh pushing along this trolley this day we were picking picking cucumbers and uh and I think I think they had the fans on. I'm pretty sure they had the fans on because you'd have to have the fans on because it'd get too fucking hot in there. And uh anyway, we're all in our own individual rows and I'm fucking walking along, pushing this trolley, and I think I can't remember if I trusted one fart first and like got away with it. Like sometimes that's the case, eh? Like you just you get it get your confidence up a little and you're like, oh yeah, okay, I'll trust the next one. Then the first one didn't do me dirty, so and uh oh and I was like, oh fuck oh fuck that's that's now like I didn't like completely fucking absolutely shit my pants but I was like that's yeah I can tell that that was not fucking here, you know, that was not here there's some debris, there's some fucking debris, and I just remember like the panic and I looked over at one of my mum's friends and I was like, oh, where's the toilet? And they're like, oh, it's just inside the house, and I was like, oh fuck my life. I've just sh I've just shuttered and I have to go into my fucking into my boss's house. Oh so I was I was like okay, sweet as things, and uh started walking and fucking this place like backed onto this other factory place. So I was like the whole time I was like walking and I would have been like as stiff as a border, but I was like in my head, I'm like, don't walk like you shit yourself, don't walk don't walk like you shit yourself. And I fucking I got in there thankfully they were old, so like there were wet wipes there and I could fucking clean myself up, but yeah, there's there's the fucking story that I wasn't gonna share share like two minutes ago about shutting fucking the time that I trusted a fart and I shouldn't have. So I mean it's funny now, but honestly, I was fucking like I was absolutely mortified that day if there's fuck, yeah. You got the hangs I going on already, and then on that, like your own body does you dirty and just fucking mortified. Yeah, as if I didn't feel like a piece of shit already, like let's add some actual shit into the mix Fuck and loss of dignity. Holy heck dang anyways, yeah, fuck. So yeah, that's been my week. I mean yeah, I do like to see the silver lining, and I do like my friend in Boston, um, his thing is like it can always it could always be worse. It could always be worse. And honestly, fucking at the gym the other day, like if anybody heard me fart, it could have been worse. Like reflecting reflecting on that story that I just shared, like we could have had fucking Cucumber Hot House 2.0 and um and then I that would have been the end of the gym, I think. Like I fucking that would have had to be the end of the gym, you know, and I'd just have to fucking deal with having a saggy ass. Um, but yeah Yeah, fucking nah. Oh so yeah, got out of there relatively unscathed in the grand scheme of things and um who knows, like maybe some people were just smiling at me because I was fucking not looking like an angry angry fucking whatever I was the other week, hormonal fucking gremlin with like this present this aura of like do not do not fucking come close to me because I will rip your throat out. Yeah. It's nice to be on the up end of the hormones again, admittedly. Um yeah. Fuck. Anyway, I've disclosed well and truly enough personal fucking information. So yeah, so that's gonna be the end of this podcast this week. Um didn't share any spiritual awakenings. Well, I guess having gratitude that I didn't shit my pants on the treadmill at the gym, that's a fucking spiritual awakening. That's a spiritual awakening that I just had as I was recording this podcast. So there you fucking go. I'm leaving you with that message. It could always be fucking worse. So let's be grateful for what we have. Um and yeah, hell yeah, guys. I hope you have a beautiful week. Hope everyone um stays fart free at the gym this week or chart free as it yeah, could have been. Um I'm fucking rambling now. I'm gonna I'm gonna shut it down. Fucking shut it down. Shut it down. Hell yeah. Lots of love guys, and you'll hear me fuck yeah, nailing it. You'll hear me on the next one. Thanks so much for being here. Thanks for supporting. At some point in time I'll set up a um Facebook and Instagram because that fan mail, I had to look at it and it's fucking dog shit. So yeah, I'll sort that out at some point in time. It'd be really nice to start connecting with whoever's listening to this. That's not just Phil. Hell yeah. Alright, actually, this is the fucking end now, right? Peace out, hobies. Love you by