E14 - You Are Enough

CJ talks about believing you are enough and how society feeds off you thinking you're now. Also in hysterics over the work bro smacking someone in the back of the head (on accident).

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Hello and welcome to the Yen A Ye podcast. It's me, your old mate CJ. Thanks so much for tuning in for another episode. I hope you've had a beautiful week this week and some stuff and things have happened and maybe it's been a shit one. And uh I'm glad you've made it through, my friend. Well done. If it was a shit one and you made it through, fucking that's a good one. You've done good. Oh does anybody else sit back and just think about their Yu-Gi-Oh card collection on a Sunday that they had as as a child and threw it through away and just fucking cries them s cries yourself do you cry yourself to sleep on a Sunday thinking about that? Knowing that you have to get up for work on a Monday. Fuck. Nah, me either. That would be insane. But it's Sunday. How would you ever cry? Nah, fuck. Oh gosh. Nah, looking for a forward to another week. This week was a pretty good one. There was um some highlights, there were some low lights. I got out into the bush today. Three three and a half hours out in the bush, and man, I was chasing waterfalls. There was waterfalls left, right, and centre, and I don't know what that song's talking about, if I'm honest. Cause I reckon you should go chasing waterfalls. It's real good for the soul. Real good for the soul. Man, not so good for the legs, fucking ouch. Fucking ouch. I went to the gym and all yesterday, only once this week, but hey, I got out got out and about today and I think that's like counted as a day in the gym, but it wasn't, it was in the outside gym and out in nature. But uh yeah, my legs are fucking ruined, and I don't know how I'm gonna make it through work tomorrow with ruined legs, because I do need my legs for my mahee, but oh well, we'll get to that tomorrow, eh? Um couple of couple of highlights. I got to help a man find his family members at the cemetery. That was pretty cool, like it was my OCD and detective skills that came in fucking handy. Like actual real handy. And um yeah. Like when I found them, I looked up and there was like this big rainbow in the sky, and fucking he was su super appreciative, apparently sent away a compliment, which it wasn't even about the compliments, man, it was just enough to just be able to help another human being. Like it was fucking raining, and I could see he was like a little bit distressed, and I was like, you know what, mate, I'll give you a hand to find them, and yeah, fuck, it was cool. That was a nice feeling. Um I saw that FIFA is selling squares of the the grass from like the final what do you call that? Like the final field, the the field that the finals were played on for uh they're selling they're selling the fucking a little you can buy a little square of the grass for 450 hakaroonies and I'm not even sure what um what currency that's in, but like holy shit are we are we what the fuck? Like in a few years that bitch is just gonna be like rotten and uh oh my gosh, disgusting. Unless you could plant it, I guess like you could plant it in your home lawn and like have that as a selling point, like if you sold your house or something, like yeah, fucking you've gotta you know like the some part of that lawn's like from the FIFA I don't know. I don't even know how that's possible. Like that's you wouldn't be able to import it, like surely. I don't think New Zealand would allow that, surely not. How would they like I don't know how they would fucking police that though but anyways I think that's fucking cooked. Um speaking of um cooked, I didn't have to cook on Monday because I went out for dinner which was lovely, and um there was creme brulee on the menu and the person that I was with got creme brulee, I got something else. I was saying when I was talking about my decision making around if I was gonna get the other dessert or a creme brulee. Creme brulee is like my fave one of my favourite desserts, and but I was saying that like it's real hard sometimes. It's too thin, like the sugar layer, like the melted sugar layer at the top, or it's burnt, like it can be a bit hit and miss, and so anyway it came out. Yeah, she was fucking thin and burnt. Oh man, she was thin and burnt, so anyways, that was Monday. Um I've also I've also found out a little hack that I thought about the other day because this art this band came up, I think it was like a band that played automatically after Capricor, and they're called the False Idols, and they're from they were f they formed in Swansea and are now based in Bristol, which is not too far from Phil. By the way, Phil is coming to New Zealand in not that long of a time. That was fucking weird English, but yeah, he's gonna be in the country, and uh so fucking lock up your daughters and hold on to your seats, everybody, because holy shit, um we'll have a we'll have an episode or a couple of episodes and um yeah, I get to meet my second cousin Phil. That's fucking rad. I'm so excited. I'm so excited to show him around the country and um just give him a big hug. He's become quite an important person in my life uh over not too long as well, but um, yeah, that's gonna be fucking rad. Uh but yeah, I digress. The false idols, Through the Storm, they've got a song called Through the Storm, which I quite like, and I looked them up and like they're they're not super popular yet. I don't know if they're like excuse me. I don't know if they're like new or what, but uh I thought, man, if I go to sleep, right, because Spotify's all off plays, if I go to sleep and I turn turn my thing on to like repeat on just one song of this band, then they will get and I did some quick math, if I put it on repeat while I'm asleep, so say that's eight hours, that's eighty-one point five nine seconds? Plays. Over the night time, and I think that's a fucking cool way to be able to just do nothing but also support bands that are smaller, that are growing. So there's a fucking life hack for you. You're welcome. Um Oh gosh, but the real topic of today that I wanted to talk about was um yeah, did anybody else get that fucked up get that fucked up in their childhood that they questioned whether they were Down syndrome? When um when people were nice to them or when good things happened like um or like sit here questioning if they're actually chronically schizophrenic and and the people that they're talking to don't exist Yeah nah, nah, me either. Nah, that'd be fucking insane straight up, but honestly Seriously though, I um I remember bringing this up with one of my counsellors and um there was like a realization that the you know like quote unquote there's something wrong with me had been that fucking ingrained in my brain that if people were nice to me or good things happened to me, that I didn't take it as a reflection of the person that I actually was and that um or that like I'd worked hard or whatever Yeah, it was fucking it was pretty hard hitting when I had that when I had that realization and I feel like so much of my recovery journey has been accepting and realizing that I'm enough like it's crazy how like looking back how much not believing that I was enough held me back and how much I used to see that everywhere like if somebody didn't smile at me or they misunderstood what I was saying or I remember I remember this time when I was sitting at the traffic lights in Richmond and this old man fucking toted at me and the I think the light had just turned green, eh? Like and I remember fucking pulling over, like I just spun out in this complete and utter rage, and I pulled over and I was on an online meeting, like recovery meeting, and I had a share well I was fucking bowling my eyes out there and saying that I wanted to punch through his fucking windscreen, which was facts, like I did, and but yeah, just thinking back to that how I was just so fragile, like my ego was so fragile because I truly believed that I wasn't enough and I couldn't deal with shit like that. Um there's probably a little bit of like the PTSD, like somebody tooting a horn abruptly at you is probably yeah, a bit of a fucking trigger, but yeah. The the thing that I came to realise and that I am still like in the process of reprogramming in my brain is that I've always been enough. And as a kid, like whether that like that you're not enough or you're bad or you're naughty or you're wrong or the the your fucking Satan spawn, like um that was displayed through words and punishment and other actions um with like the the adults around me. I feel like there was some of that even from like teachers because I was like I did act out a lot in school, but yeah, realizing that even as that kid, like I was still enough and I was still worthy of love and kindness and care and all those like beautiful things that I get to that I get to experience today. Um but yeah, it's been a process, it's been a process, and even as the adult that I am today that still falls short, and like sometimes like I tell jokes that don't land, I get a bit emotionally hectic, like if I'm struggling with things, or if I'm um a bit hormonal, like that's one that consistently comes up a lot, and I just check my Wii app and I'm like, oh yeah, that checks out that's yeah, okay, a hundred percent. I'll just be a little bit gentle on myself this week, and sometimes even just acknowledging things helps. But um, yeah, even if I do do fall short and don't know what the right thing to say is, like fuck, I used to get so hectic about that, like so uncomfortable if I didn't know what the right thing to say was or how to comfort or hold somebody in their pain and hurt. Um but yeah, like today, even in those times, I I'm still enough. And I guess that's that's the that's the little sound bite for today. That you, fellow human, who's listening to this you're enough. No matter what your head tells you, what messages you're getting from the people around you or whatever, you're enough just the way you are. Heck yeah. Cause I think society also blows this out of proportion, right? Like there's this thing of like if we had more money, if we had fucking I just thought it like Lynx Africa came into my mind my into my mind like bouncing, wow wow. If you just had this Lynx Africa, then then you'll be enough, and all the ladies will want you. Yeah. Like, yeah, if you're cool enough, if you wear these clothes, if you wear this specific brand, if you listen to this music, if you behave this way, if you use this new catchphrase, then you'll be enough. But like, fuck. I don't know. I don't know. It's um I guess if if we believe that we're enough enough then we don't need to consume as much, eh? Like yeah. We're we're kind of just programmed to fucking consume. I even thought about I just had like this little flash in my mind just then of like bay blades. Probably not like the status quo for like a yeah, like a female uh a little girl to want to play with blay blades, but it was a bit of a tomboy. Um but yeah, brats and all that sort of shit, Barbies as well. I still had brats and barbies, but all of that stuff too, it was like if I had these things then I'll have friends and I'll be enough. When in actual fact, like fuck I was enough like all along, even as that little kid that was just looking for acceptance and belonging and love. Um Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking out of it, eh? Out of it. We live in a fucking crazy world, I tell ya, but it's real nice to it's really nice to be on a journey where I get to I get to learn about I guess the stuff like some people fucking grow up with this stuff. I can't fathom that I can't fathom that. I just got a bit of like emotional damage. That's kind of what I fucking grew up with. Oh man. Yeah, I grew up with getting told that like the world's your oyster, but not getting any other information. Like zero other information about like how to fucking get the things that I wanted to fucking get, like get to where I wanted to go or be the person that I wanted to fucking be. Um yeah, I just got a little catchphrase and none of the help. Uh fuck it, and that was that's been another realization too, eh? Like I've fuck, I had this like a wee while ago actually, where like because I buy so many premium premium objects. Well I I used to not premium objects, premium um like things. Like for instance I was gonna be like the next YouTube star and I bought a fucking GoPro, I bought all this music stuff because I was gonna be like the next famous musician musician fucking oh yeah. I've bought so many things for like hyper focuses and I didn't r understand why I never followed through with them. And I had this realization that like it's a pattern from my childhood too. Music was a little bit different because I did get like paid music, tuition, all that sort of stuff, but I grew up in a single mother household and I can understand that like that's a lot for one that's a big burden for one person to carry, you know. I probably shouldn't say burden because like fuck I'm not a burden, but um that's a lot of responsibility and um a lot of weight to be carrying. I think it's a lot of weight for two people to be carrying, but yeah, so I I remember like I used to be bought things but not taught how to use them and that be consistent too. Maybe I'd get a little bit of help at the start and then like I'd give up or whatever, or I don't know, the the time or whatever just left and I wouldn't follow through on things, and so yeah, I realized that like as an adult there actually is a process still of like learning how to use things that I buy, and because I was a pretty smart kid and capable as well, I used to be able to pick things up pretty quickly, and so as an adult, if I couldn't, if I wasn't perfect straight away, like that would fucking send me. I'm like, nah, it's not for me, I can't be doing that anymore, it's simply not for me, but yeah, this whole recovery gig actually gave me the opportunity to be a beginner again for the first time in my life to like be in a place, be in a group of people and be like, I fucking don't know anything, but I want to learn and just complete and deep dive deep dove into that and it's been a been a real process, man, to get to where and I'm not saying I fucking know everything either, like I don't know everything, I'm still learning a lot surprisingly, like I thought I was gonna have it all figured out in a year, and uh yeah, holy shit holy shit I've got a few of those now and um yeah, it's still a journey, which is nice because it keeps it fucking interesting, eh? But anyways, that's enough of the deeping met deep and meaningfuls for now. It's time for fuck that's funny. Okay, so this week's fuck that's funny is brought to you by my workplace. Um I had a fucking great day working with the boys on this project. It was me and three of the guys from work and fucking hell. We're setting up this thing. I can't probably go into too much detail because I don't want to get fucking fired for sharing work stuff on a public platform. Not that yeah, this yeah, not that I'm like, yeah. Anyways, um so yeah, fucking we're setting up this thing and the boys had me in hysterics, man. Like, I love dry humour, like, oh there's this one guy, and he just kept fucking sending me just with like little comments, like one of the guys tripped over he said, Oh shit, there goes such and such. Like just completely straight faced though, and um fuck, I was just losing the plot in hysterics, and then um, yeah, one of the boys, like he's a younger guy that I work with, and he ended up walking past this thing, and like everybody was just real clumsy, and uh I find that shit just so funny, so human. He got he walked that this young guy like walked past this fucking thing and got like got his like hibis stuck on it. And then we're helping this guy because so we're effectively like contracting to this place, and the guy that runs this place is like, oh, so we've gotta set up these couple of handrails, that's the last bit, and oh fuck's sake, I'm gonna lose it. Oh um and the these handrails, there were two two handrails and this one bit like slotted into the middle to connect these two fucking metal handrails. This guy's like this guy's not built, you know? Like he's he's relatively tall, but like yeah, like he I don't know how to put it without like tearing the guy down. Absolutely love lovely guy. I can't imagine he's ever been in like a fist fight. I might be fucking wrong, but um I can't imagine he's ever been in a fist flight. Um yeah, and very like seemed quite soft natured, probably like a really good dad. Like probably a really fucking good dad. Um and yeah, this guy this this young guy I'm not gonna make it through this one. Fucking hell, because I just keep replaying it through my head. Oh, and I have like every time I've thought about it this week for the rest of the week, like I've fucking lost it. But yeah, so this guy, the like we'll call him like the manager guy. The manager guy's like I we put it, I put in like the first bit, and then the manager guy's putting in like the connecting piece and then the young guy who's like you know fucking oh just there getting the job done comes in hot from behind with this fucking metal This fucking and it's like solid metal this handrail comes in hot from behind obviously misjudges how long the end of it is and fucking just fucking smokes the manager in the back of the head with this fucking Oh my gosh, I'm going to hell. Oh my gosh, fucking I don't know what it is about laughing at other people's misfortune and I was holding it together right and I could like the sound as well of like the hit of like metal on head and um fuck I looked at the guy the young guy's like to the menu oh fuck I'm so sorry and then I look across at the two older guys that I work with the guy the guy that's been fucking pulling these like one liners all day the looks is just a look to start off with like he looks at the fucking my other workmate giant looks at for fuck's sakes he's like oh fuck he's like oh it wasn't like fucking full and he's like oh he's like oh fucking points Points over the fucking to the crime scene and I just fucking lost it A like I literally because I didn't want to laugh at this guy this like really nice guy who's just been whacked over the back of their head with this fucking solid steel pipe um fucking so I had to just take myself away and fucking and gather myself I was oh my gosh yeah in fucking hysterics how good So anyways I don't know if you've heard fucking any of that story because it just oh it's been sending me so much all week Oh fuck But yeah the the young guy went up and fucking fucking got a snack from this fucking the little shop bit there and um and the manager guy gave it to him for free and I was like fuck I should have given him a whack over the back of their head hey got myself a free fucking ice cream but anyways yeah and then um and the young guy was saying later on in the day that he like felt felt the vibrations of it like won won in the fucking handrail. Oh my gosh, oh my fucking gosh So yeah, hopefully the bro's okay and he didn't end up with a concussion Yeah there were a few get your get your hard hats out um jokes later on in the week. Yeah fuck that was fucking solid that's like giving me so much dopamine so much dopamine Oh peak that was fucking peak anyways but yeah that's fucking that's gonna be me for the week actually I think so yeah the main message fucking the main message being hey mate you're enough and just remember if you're working with the bloke that I work with and um you're setting up hard ha ha hard fucking note and you're setting up handrails put your fucking hard hat on put your hard hat on because you're gonna need it The quickest way to have free ice cream is to smack someone over the back of the head Yeah Oh my gosh anyways I'm fucking losing the plot I need to go and have a shower and get ready for get ready for mahi go and do the mahi and get the fucking treats Hell yeah I'll be on the lookout for more fuck that's funnies um and again thank you to the couple of people who have or a few people that have followed my yen I yeah Facebook page if you haven't already please feel free to pop over and give us a follow. I will be chucking up some material on there at some point in time. So if you want to see my beautiful face, um then yeah jump on there and I'll fucking do a couple of little blogs and shit. Um yeah, because I did that today on my personal profile and I think I did a not too bad job. So how yeah, and yeah, I don't know if you can message me still, so but if you can feel free to send through a fuck that's funny. Hope you all have a beautiful fucking week. And something and something magic happens in your world. Until next time, my friends. Alrighty, that's me. You'll hear me on the next one. Bye.